Stand Alone Complex

2010-03-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Wow there's so much that has gone on in my life. I will begin a bit later, but post will be more frequent.

2010-03-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today I will start a workout plan. All I need is the motivation. I once had it just wondering where it went. Since no more p.e. classes I need do this on my own. Hopefully help me cut down on my smoking also. Remember it's your priority!!

wholly it's like 2010

2010-02-18T11:54:00.000-08:00

I look at this wow, my life has changed so much but I still have that same wander. I haven't sparked myself, I'm still asking some of the same questions. My experience in the lat 4 years have been cool. I'm gay and proud!!

Inner suffocation

2010-02-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

I have an addiction that once allowed me to be function but now I've seemed to let it take over and I'm just stuck. Well i don't have enough will power. I'm smart, beautiful, wise, and care. This is what I give to society but to myself, I give death. I feel suffocated and I'm not sure who of my friends I can talk to. I mean any of them would love for me to talk to them instead of having my silence. I gab on everything else except what I hold in a prism or some of my true beliefs.

I'm not going full blown which I've never have but I'm not even at 60%. I smoke pot way to much and eat lots of food while becoming very anti-social. It's okay to not spend b/c ur broke but your ridiculous either way. School I haven't gone a sober day I think. ANd I'm doing pretty good but what if I wasn't smoking, how well might I be doing?

2007-03-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

WOw, it's been so long since I've even looked at this thing. My tone was so different, I still have that rage but it's manipulated itself to other areas of my life. I still don't know. So lately I play a lot of poker, these days. Who the fuck would of thought. I just quit from working at a church of some sort. first unitarians they are a awesome organization, but my boss and i well she was a bitch and kinda nice but it got weird just like my sentence structure here.

I think of you

2006-06-28T01:31:00.000-07:00

There's this woman whose slowly starting to make her way in my daily thoughts. I see her every 4 weeks or so , she works on a boat. The split that's between us is really straining, there is really no communication until she gets into town. We are just "friends" supposedly, maybe even more. The more is want scares me , my mind has passionate thoughts about this lady. Can I give my all to her, or shall I become the Ghost in a Shell. So sweet, smooth , lushed curves is all I see in my mind. Her naked ass, a welcoming mouth that turns all my senses on fire.

I must let go of the scars I carry. Always remember we hurt people for good or bad, that's what humans do. I must not let her down but also keep my composure. Girls on the mind! It's sad to say but I'm not sure how distracted I want to get. Or how much I can feel!

Burn!

2006-04-03T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm angry! Last year about this time my fire was smoldering out and some how I kept it alive. Right now I'm burning furiously. I've never let this fire consume me but I think it's time. SO much in my life hasn't gotten done. I've been wasting away not really living well my last couple of years have felt like that. Maybe, I'm all crazy and looking back and forward now, is because my 23rd birthday is next week. I'm finally getting into the community, volunteering my time and just talking with folks.
I feel y friends aren't really who I thought they were, our connection is through drugs. I don't I can trust them anymore, I'm being shattered again. Don't get me wrong I have great friends but none of them have the same interest of me except Marijuana. I get laughed at and mocked, they don't get where I'm coming from, what I think I should be and how come I'm not there. That my shoulders bare the weight of the world. Make fun of me, I can take it but let me say something back to you . What do I get someone who flips out. Don't listen to my answers, listens to that person over there who has no idea, WHy not me? I know the answer, you just throw me to the wolves. That's ok. I'll show you all! I do need a shoulder to lean on, intimacy, love, someone just to listen. I thank you for what you've done and willl do. But I've been struck down by your words or lack of.

Who am I? Who am I? I'm the one who will bare the thorns. This is what I've been doing my whole life. Can you tell me when did I cross this line.

2006-02-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

I hope I didn't lose her!!!

My FAVORITE character and speech.

2006-02-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

Shakespeare

Bicycle mechanic!

2006-02-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I finished sometihing that I've never done before. That is try at something, I am a beginning bike mechanic! I even got the apprenticeship, well my whole class did. It's hard to understan certain things ubt the more practice I have at using my fingers the better I will get. I get things and somethings I need a lot more studying/ experience. WOW, my vocab sucks! Anyways I really like bicycle and there great thing to have aroung. SOmday I hope to ride the Olympic Pennisula and Vancouver islan, BC. I need to get in a lot better shape though.

I need tools it sucks because I'm quite poor. I'm also a depressed individual, I don't believe in myself enough, I'm working on it. But this depression will last my whole life, so I must try to deal. It's hard to think I have this burden but so do others. Or even worse struggles.

I'm a training bike mechanic!!!!!! It's a great opportunity!!

Riding dee bicycle!

2006-01-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

Lately my days have been busy and fulfilled but I'm not working so no money is coming in. I love the things I've been doing it has made me happy. On Sunday I went out and played kickball , it was so fun. I had a real goodtime especially not being on any drugs, ok i had half a beer over a 3 hr period. My taste fluxates. I'm really sore I fell a lot on my ass and did lots of diving. It's pretty cool to feel your muscle in action, it's kinda something I miss. Dude, my aunt gave me a awesome old school bike. I've ridden it like the past 4 days, part of the reason I'm sore also but like it needs some fixing so I will have to stop riding. Hopefully I can get some money soon just a little more waiting time. I won't know if I get a bike apprenticeship or the training until later in the week but hopefully i will get it. This is a path I would love to take, it will be a lot of hardwork but yeah I'm interested.

2005-12-29T02:28:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel so so lonely, I imagine others seem to think this also. I've never been in love with anyone or had a realationship with someone. No gf or anything, it's trippy my mind is quite independent but in reality I'm a dependent. I've never really trust myself to be ok with what I'm doing with my life things seem to get boring very easily. Sometimes I don't even try, that scares me more than anything succeeding. I'm in a rut I'm not educated, NOT DUMB but NOT EDUCATED! I've accomplished eally anything I've set to do. It's time for me to let go and open myself up. Maybe I'll learn more by having a partner. I'm pretty much a only child all I've known is being able to talk, or play games with myself. Make my own entertainment which was mostly wasted laying on the couch watching tv. This was only if I wasn't playing,practicing or doing something for softball;Most likely u could catch me on the couch eating.

Ok, what can I give and what do I want, are questions I ask myself everyday. Sometimes I feel like I worth good things but most of the time I shrugg it off because I'm scared. This is dragging me down I'm almost 23 and I've seen and experienced some life but not what I really want. My Id knows, silently hidden waiting to be triggered .Sometimes truth can be so overwhelming, it's a huge wait to carry. WE all carry something. Sometimes though people don't see the truth or let it sink in. They deny themsleves this pleasure. I'm almost becoming like that so I can hit rock bottom. Because once u hit bottom the only way is up right? I think this but NO that's not right to think. The decisions, I make in my life should be better because I'm worth it. Remember this. I tell myself but it's hard take advise, you give to others.

I'm just writing wherever it takes me. I'll hopefully become better in my future.

Another one

2005-12-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I went to a party by my house. It was quite an event. I decided to drink and well that turned out well. I even got to makeout for a little while with a beautiful woman. She is like 5 yrs older than me. That doesn't really matter though. SHe is a baker on a boat. So she left wednesday and won't be back until christmas, just for 5 hrs though. I'm going to try and hang with her tommorrow . Hopefully we can chat or we can hang with each other. Get to know each other better than just you know.

It really doens't feel like christmas to me. I 'm poor and don't shop so I 've mostly avoided it ll. Especially since don't recieve any television transmissions. Ok, later going to church with my best friend's mother . Yeah it's nice to have friends like I do and family. Like we all do. Well most!

Where do i find the middle?

2005-12-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

Yet , again I have chosen this path over and over again. Yesterday I pretty much quite my job. I have no money saved and will have to pay rent at the end of the month. My roommates are poor and I haven't told them yet. SO now I'm searching again for a new job. this comes at a time where other things in my life were getting in line. I decided to take a few classes again, I began volunterring at a communuty-member based radio station. But almost everything else in my life is chaotic, well maybe just my mind. My best-friend claire who I'm in love, she is straight and not in love with me. Knows how deeply I care about here. Has met a new friend, who since then has hung out with him everyday. He's kinda dorky but he's treats her really well and can afford to buy things for her. He has been a motivation to her, so she just purchased a new house. All since Halloween, we have not been hanging so much. I've had a lot depression and self-examination lately. I have been working out and trying to work on my body, making sure it's ready for the tremendous usage it will get in the future. ANyways November was really stressful, which is something I don't experience very much of.
My job is the best job I've ever had but it doesn't make me happy and very chovonistic. But time has went by and I managed but latley I've had lots of thoughts about quitting and looking actually for jobs in my area and that actually interest me and were I can grow at(inside). That not pot! he,he. Anyways I pretty much quit a lot of jobs bcuz they're not satisfying. Especially now where I feel I am worth more. Not just money but mind,body, and soul. Like I have somewhat of a understanding more than probably most americans. I feel really fortunate but it's a constant battle. Taking all the truth and lies and filtering . Mostly keeping the body open for truths.

What it comes down to is i search for the middle but i only feel rushed when the extremes are put into play. Like I see the grays but what's thrilling is the polar opposites. I am an Aries, I figure that has something to do with personality. I want to be more and I feel somewhat, stuck. This of course is all in my mind. . My roomates said something to me the otherday" see u are growing", it came at a time I was listening to a holiday song (chorus) like and I just let out emotion, my eyes just flowed pouring out . it just happend a intense touch of emotion, overwhelming, I can't say how ot felt.

Long gone

2005-10-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've been away from this site for awhile. This summer I spent my life in Olympic National Park working at a crappy resort. The people were awesome and the area is beautiful but out GM really sucked and we were understaffed all summer. It was fun and worth it in the long run though.

Now I'm back in P-town broke and everything. It's cool though, I'm just doing the job hunt thing and well I decided to attend school this winter also. So we''ll see how it all works. I want to make it to Connecticut also, just to visit my ex-roomie Erin. Soon I'll have more pics up also.

SOON

2005-07-12T02:15:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired maybe later......................

Soon I promise will be pics and hopefully something important to talk about like how young women and men act while they live in dorms and see each other everyday. It gets'a little crazy sometimes, not as bad as some other Resort I worked at.

2005-07-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

Yeah I'm working in Olympic National Park, so not on very much. ANd I don't get cellphoen service. WOW haven't updated in awhile. Right now Im in Victoria Canada staying at a hostel. It's so expensice though

2005-05-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Soon I'll be back in action! Lately I've been a little unhappy with myself. Not doing somethings that I need to get done. I'm at that stage again where I'm unsure wher my friends stand. LALALALALALALA I can't write now. I'm hurting a little.

2005-05-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

My life has been busy since I've been home.

2005-04-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

Taken at the Sendai Castle, which isn't a castle anymore but u can see the reminisce of it being one.

2005-04-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Famous Samurai Warrior don't remember name

2005-04-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

So long

2005-04-05T04:34:00.000-07:00

It's really weird that in the last 3 months, I've had 2 of my resorts friends get in touch with me out of the blue. One was such a suprise, his name is Pete and I worked with him like 2 years ago in Glacier National Park. He found me by yahoo, I was like wow,how the hell do u do that. I can't find anyone. Anyways, that was cool his sister(Gina) and I spent the most craziest night I'd ever had together. He was so worried the next day b/c I was watching her. She was visiting the resort and he wanted to do something with his girlfriend so I said I'd watch her, it wasn't like she was a child, she's the same age as me. A flood of memories are coming back from that night and my days in Montana. Gosh, I love that place. I have a policy I can't talked about my stories not even to my close friends. Just b/c what happens at Resorts stays at them. That's how I like it.

Working at resorts you have insane ,crazy nights.

The other person was my friend Roz, who I worked with last summer at Signal Mountain, she actually pretty much became one of my roommates. We had like 3 extra people always sleeping in my room, even though they had there own. Lots and lots of fun! Roz is so chill, we IM each other all the time now. I have really deep conversations with her. I like that, I've been missing that socialness.

8 days I turn 22, I'm growing up, how amazing. It will be really weird seeing all my friends back home, I miss them, and I've tried to keep little contact with some but the majority of them, I don't talk to. Only b/c I don't know there e-mails and they never really access the internet. Oh, well they understand and I do to, I always leave them anyways.

2005-04-05T04:04:00.000-07:00

I laugh way to much, and it's kinda loud.

2005-04-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

Oh so cute

2005-04-05T04:02:00.002-07:00

This is scaring me and I'm behind the mask!

2005-04-05T04:02:00.001-07:00

Having fun with little cuzz

2005-04-05T04:02:00.000-07:00

Stalker!

2005-04-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

Having some fun, with my wanna be NOH mask

2005-03-31T07:49:00.000-08:00

2005-03-31T06:05:00.001-08:00

I got some sweet shells

2005-03-31T06:05:00.000-08:00

ocean

2005-03-31T05:48:00.000-08:00

2005-03-31T05:47:00.000-08:00

clouds

Still Stuck

2005-03-29T03:09:00.000-08:00

Yup, I haven't left yet. Japanese won't let me leave. My visa is expired so they have a law against that. Next hearing is Apr. 7, than I can buy plane tickets after that. Now i have a record and I'm known. My plans of my future has to change, I can get piercing and tattoo's now. Only b/c i can't do covert operations. Oh, well I guess, I'll just become social again. To bad I was enjoying this anti-socialness. PEACE!

undermyskin

2005-03-17T20:15:00.000-08:00

I should totally be packing but I hate doing this. Tommorow morning we drive down to Tokyo were I'll spend a few nights in a luxuries Hotel. Then I'm going to wonder the streets byself finding the clubs. I don't know how far I'll venture because that place is huge. I'm going to miss my family and stuff but I want to get home. I have a lot of stuff to do in my life and I need to be in the states to do it. Unless I decide to backpack europe, I need to save a little more for that though but anyways. Peace, I probably won't be on for awhile

The East End

2005-03-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, this band totally rocks! check them out! The East End

Whoever reads this, I haven't told any of my friends about my blog and personally I find it quite boring. So if ur reading this, really take a look. The band ROCK!

2005-03-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

Still have nothing to say, still trying to stay away from the politics scene but soon I'll write about dead zones and anoxic waters. I'm kinda obsessed with the Black sea also. SO maybe some stuff on that. Counting down 12 days until I go home.

2005-03-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Dang the only time, they play a Stanford women's basketball game I miss it, very mad, grrrrrrrrrrr. I love you cardinals!

2005-03-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

If you can't protect the integrity of the system, then there is no system!

2005-03-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

It's March Madness time. Here's favorite teams and schools I will support.

Stanford Cardinals!

2005-03-02T06:07:00.000-08:00

"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world"

This is stuck in my head!

2005-03-02T04:42:00.000-08:00

We are increasily involved with the artificial...............

2005-03-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

"Everything depends on everything else"

2005-03-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

I love it! Dancing with my cuzz brendan and my sis. It has helped me get a little rythm and dance better. It's a good excercise too. We're funny to watch, well me I guess because they're good at it.

2005-02-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it was posted! very excited!

"I'm learning to fly" Tom Petty............... blasting on our Bose speakers (yeah a advertisement) Hey, they're great though

Shocked in the ear

2005-02-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

I just wrote the longest post ever for me and well it didn't work because my comp is sucking. It was a post from the inside. Oh well at least I got to get t out. Kinda sucks though.

My ears are really sucking, I think I play music way to loud when I have my head phones on. Also I've been getting shocked in the ear by my head phones, how weird don't you think?

I should go to college I think I'm ready to retry again,well at the moment I'm thinking this. Ask me in about a hour I will unsure, I still want to travel and work at resorts and camps more. I say I got until I'm 23 before I start, I gotta go to coummunity college first; it's cheaper, I obvously need better grammar and sentence structuring, and well I hate math so it would be good to start out low, a real low class. Also I need math for my profession so somehow I'm going to force myself to like it so I can understand and try in those classes. Meat has been making me nauseated lately, I may go veggie, I can always cut the my meat intake to once a week but I rather just give it all up. It will especially help my cooking skills, I usually cook for the veggies at camp anyways and well anything else also, but I take care of you. I love my friends they definetely have helped me open my eyes more, I don't agree with all there liberal views but I have knowlegde and some understanding. That's all i can seek in life, oh maybe love also.

Wow, my longest post yet! It's all over the place

2005-02-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

I'm illegal, I'm illegal. Still working though. The base is busy with big inspections, especially were I work because we're trying to be 'The Best store.' Instead of having 2 days left to work, I've been asked to stay a few more days. Hopefully I can keep my sanity. Whatever I have 3 weeks until I leave, packing is going to really suck! I'm pretty busy when I get home camp is going to atart right away and I'll still be suffering jet lag. I planned it this way, I guess.

I'm real close to going veggie, slicing meat at work makes me very nauseated. I eat alot of meat also. I can't wait to go home my eating habits are easier to control. I'll be cooking at camp again and eating at claire's moms. Oh gosh Loran makes the best food. I'm so excited, I can't wait for the organics again, they just taste so much better, very expensive but worth it. I can buy my own food and cook it, I don't know where at since I'll be homeless in a sense. Well only on weekends and after camp ends.

I need to go to college my sentences are terrible, vocabulary has shrank and well, it's time to start again. Well community college, I can't waste money on a university yet. I must conatact my dad maybe he's willing to fill out my FAFSA now. Who knows, I should really call him it has been a long time. Like 2 years or so, I wonder how his church is doing. Everytime we talk it's about god, you should come to church or help with this. He never ask, how are you doing. I think I've dealt with a lot of my father issues, I glad I grew up with him though, he did teach me alot. Now my mom I love her very much but it seems she's on drugs again. It makes me very sad, she could of had so much more especially if I wasn't born but I can't dwell on that. She made her decisons. I worry, I guess not enough to keep in contact with her often. I actually find it hard to keep in touch with lots of folks especially being away. Being here in Japan is actually the most contact I've had with friends and family. Well not enough with some like my parents. I know I'm so much like my mother and father, the 2 people who least know me.

Best wishes to you mother in cali and daddy may someday we listen to each other, hope you and linda haven't given me sibling I don't know about. That would be weird, I already have a 3 half-sibling from my mom and one I'm semi-close with. We all have different father, very gross! I'm the oldest, than my sis monica 15, my brother Bobby 6 and little sis Nicole who is 2. I named my sis Monica, she's cool, very driven. She lives here in Japan with my relatives. Being here has taught me how important my family is because I've always kinda been a loner. I still am ,hence, Stand Alone Complex, I haven't came out to them, they're kinda actually homophobic. Oh well, I will when I'm ready and they're somewhat ready. Yeah, I just went all over the place so later. PEACE!

Can you dig that crazy gibberish?

2005-02-27T02:48:00.000-08:00

In about a month I will be returning home and resuming my position as a camp cook. These are some of my favorite songs. By the end of the session I will have almost every song memorized again. Actually by the end of week 1.

Crawdad Song
You get a line I'll get a pole,honey,
You get a line I'll get a pole babe,babe
You get a line I'll get a pole
We'll go down that crawdad hole.
Honey,oh babe be mine

See that crawdad struttin' around
See that crawdad struttin' around babe, babe
See that crawdad struttin' around
Thinks he's the mayor of Crawdad Town!
Honey, oh babe be mine.

Groovy Shirt
Do you have a shirt you really love?
One that you feel so groovy in.
You don't care if it shrinks in the dryer,
That only makes it groovier.

(chorus)

I love my shirt,
I love my shirt,
My shirt is so comfortably lovely. (x2)

Slower Songs

Big Dipper
Have you ever seen the old big dipper, and wondered what's
dippin' all night?
It's dippin' out peace, it's dippin' out love, It's dippin' out a way of life.
And if you ever see the old Big Dipper, then your gonna to see all
the others stars too.
And if you ever look around where the lights comes down your gonna
notice just where are you.
Your on a little green speck, on a little blue ball, in the big black
sky, all alone
So you better take good care, of that little blue ball, because it's the
only home you'll ever know.

I'll write some more later hope you like because I do!

2005-02-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

Yeah, my sis has returned from SEOUL. I don't think the team placed but she did really good. She's actually at the airport now, so later I'll the low down.

Getting bored

2005-02-25T01:01:00.000-08:00

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

April

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their luver can see.

2005-02-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

Lentil soup with rice is so bomb! add a little spinach and some hot sauce, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2005-02-24T06:26:00.000-08:00

The Corporation

I've just watched half of this movie. I was supposed to see it when it came out but never made, so now in here in Japan. They're having a special on the Asia Pacific Channel( the aussie channel). So I have just finished watching part 1. It's actually movie so rent it! I however will see it, this way, than buy the movie.

This movie puts a huge knot in my chest and makes me cry. It's not like I'm uneducated on what's going on but that I've known the truth (not saying believe all of it). You personally have to look this information up for yourself, get answers, put it together in your head. It's painful, caring this weight. It's just what have I done?

I'm the worse kind of person, the lukewarm christian. I know but I'm not doing anything about it. I can't write now my mind is in so many places that the trouble I can never write I think about so much stuff. I know I have passion I just haven't found what to put it in. It's killing me. I know, I know, I know! I am a individual, a part of the institution.

Straight from the cia

2005-02-23T06:01:00.000-08:00

CIA
- The World Factbook -- United States: "the US is the largest single emitter of carbon dioxide from the burning of fossil fuels; water pollution from runoff of pesticides and fertilizers; limited natural fresh water resources in much of the western part of the country require careful management; desertification "

What the fuck is wrong with us. Why does money win out over our lives? Corporate institutions, fucking decay, decay of our society. The earth will change naturally but we're speeding up the process without any regard. I die from the unknown or I die from Human taint!

2005-02-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

Laughing Man

Blurred snowy dreams

2005-02-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, we got a lot of snow. I'll get some pic tomorrow. Tonite I went bowling with my co-workers, it was kinda cool dude. I drank like 4 beers amazing. I haven't drank in like 3 months. I'm pretty drunk now. They only had sucky beers no micro-brews or anything.
I had MGD, they atleast could of had Pabst. SNiff, sniff! Not the cocaine snort but the sad no pabst. I suck at bowling I think myh highest score was 60, it don't matter though. I had a good time.

Ok, I'm boring, lately all I've been saying is, Manifest! Manifest!
Yeah! "I am everything as I am nothing" These words have come back to me, I've locked them away many years ago. It had to be 15 when I locked them up, it was a dangerous to think those thoughts. I'm willing to live on the egde now. Especially since I'll be illegal in 4 days. I'm going a little wacky, and the blurry screen is starting to give me a headache. Good night! The Daily Show is funny tonite. Well, I don't know when it aired for u but shit, oh well.

2005-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

Manifest! Manifest! Manifest! Where am I going?

2005-02-16T17:12:00.000-08:00

Yup, we did get a little more than a foot of snow, enough to put this place on 2 hr delay. All last night and it's still snowing. It will melt probably by later today, create a huge mess of slush, thaen refreeze later tonite. This happens almost everyday, snow starts in the evening, and then in the afternoon the sun comes out.

It's a little better than being under grey clouds for 3 months. I do miss you Portland!

2005-02-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

Roslyn says:
"Its only those who are persistent, and willing to study things deeply, who achieve the Master Work"

Roslyn says:
I learned that the world has a soul, and that whoever understands that soul can also understand the language of things

My friend recently has been contemplating her existence and we've been having very interesting conversations. She's like seeing the world for the first time. Amazing isn't it?

Don't be scared take those shackles off and come out.

What?

2005-02-16T03:13:00.000-08:00

They're proposing 24 inches of snow. Hmmm, very interesting. It is snowing a lot now and we already have 8 in. I should be having fun, It would be good for our ski trip this weekend also.
Ocean out.

2005-02-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

Where is my mind? Where is my mind?
Hazy, silent, supercharged, re-automated,falling for the grey sky.

Downloads of the Day!

2005-02-15T05:02:00.000-08:00

Antipop Consortium
Foreign Legion
Non-Prophets

The Butchies
Elefant
Electralane
Franz Ferdinand
Snow Patrol
Hot Hot Heat
The Mars Volta
Camera Obsura

Keoki
Aphex Twins
Portishead
Kruder & Dorfmeister
Underworld

I should really buy there albums, but I pay for my service, yes, it would be a great benefit for them. I'm Sorry! Atleast I don't get it for free though. Thanks to all the Rogues out there.

A new take on chain mail!

2005-02-13T02:43:00.000-08:00

"Copy this and paste it on your own blog with your answers!
A new take on the chain mail... copy and paste this on your blog, change the answers to your own... dont forget to leave a comment to link to your blog. Cheers.

1. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Shantai
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Light blue pinstriped pajamas
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Metric and The Postal Service
4. DEAD OR ALIVE, NAME THREE PEOPLE YOU WOULD LOVE TO MEET: Angeline Jolie, Confucius, and Ptolemy
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Red Beans and Rice, I made!
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Cold, Snowy and Beautiful!
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Anton
9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Do I notice them?? Nah, there Faces
10. SHOES YOU LOVE TO WEAR: Nikes, addidas,flip-flops, Dc, Osiris,Etnies
11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Educated
12. FAVORITE DRINK? H2O!
13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Long Islands or Vodka tonics
14. FAVORITE SPORTS? Softball, Beach Volleyball, and Ultimate Frisbee
15. HAIR COLOR? Drk Brown
17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nay
18. TYPE OF VEHICLE YOU DRIVE: My Human Body or Public Transportation, being a passenger
19. TOP 5 FAVORITE FOODS: Garlic, Pizza, Pasta with spinach and goat cheese,Salmon with wild rice and veggies, Anything garlicky,
20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Coach Carter
21. TOP 3 PET PEEVES: Smacking, Narrow-Minded People, and asshole beggars.
22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Yes
23. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS BETTER? I like Donnie Darko and The Brotherhood of the a Wolf, can that be a answer?
24. WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, FALL? Spring
25. HUGS OR KISSES? I like Both, but Hugs
26. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships I prefer, but I would go for a One Night Stand
27. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla
28. THREE ANIMALS YOU WANT TO OWN. A Dog, Box-Shell Turtle, and a Whistle Pig
29. NAME 4 PLACES YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT: Turkey, Iceland, Ireland, Seychelles
30. FIRST CONCERT YOU EVER WENT TO? Janet Jackson Velvet Tour, got free tickets
31. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Wandering. Vacationing in Japan on Military base
32. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? On the Road, Seraph on the Suwanee, and Cryptonomicon
33. WHAT IS ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER AT HOME? It just turns off
34. FAVORITE CARTOON? Simpson, Futurama, G.I. Joe, Wolf Rain, I prefer anime: Witch Hunter Robin, Ghost in the Shell:Stand Alone Complex, The Excel Saga
35.FAVORITE SMELLS: Potchouli, Flowers blooming
36. SMELLS YOU HATE: Rotten Meat and Pheasant
37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Can I sleep more, I need water!
38. FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT THE SINGLE LIFE: Not having someone worrying about me.
39. HOW DO YOU EAT AN OREO? Smash them and put them into Vanilla Bean Ice Cream, don't eat them much though
40. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO THIS BLOG? No one, unless you want to

Coach Carter Quote

2005-02-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

I love this movie, it's not great or bad but very inspirational. It is making me rethink, what I want to do in life. I've always felt I would be best at being a coach, couselor or teacher. It's always been my dream. Whatever happens in my life this is what I will be doing in the end.

Quote from movie

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. …Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you… As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. "

Original Quote

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brillant, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in ALL of us.
As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love (made famous by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural Address)

2005-02-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Someday I actually do a play list. I love music! Anyone wants to give me some names I would love that. Doesn't matter what, I love all genres. Mood is also a factor but usually what I put early is what I like in all moods.

Latest music grooves

2005-02-10T12:27:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to throw out some artist and bands, maybe some of there good songs also. This week I've been listening to Trip-Hop tremendously, last week Hip-Hop and the week before Indie Rock. This will be a mixture of stuff I can't go without for a week.

I've switch from Mp3 player to my CD player, my Mp3 is full for some reason, and it hold upto 2100 songs or 4 gb. Gotta check that out, so bought some blank Cd's backed up my music files and erased almost everything on the comp. But anyways here's the list:

Modest Mouse- Ocean Breathes Salty-3rd planet
Ani Difranco -Out of Range-Pixies
Soul Coughing -Super bon bon-True dreams of wichita
Bright Eyes -Lua-Waste of Paint
Interpol -Length of Love-Slow Hands-Nyc
The Killer -Mr.Brightside
Sasha -Involver Full
Thievery Corporation -Lebanese Blond-Facing East-Acid Jazz
Planet Drum -Bones-Frog Dance
Rustic Root
Bob Marley
Eligh
Living Legends
Aesop Rock
The Roots

2005-02-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

"The introvert is far more subject to misunderstanding than the extravert." C. Jung

All yes, I forget, because I assume everyone knows there's always, The Law of exception. Even saying that there's a exception.

I had a conversation last night with my little couisins about the exceptions. And I assumed everyone knew but I was mistaken. So now I understand more, and they know the exception rule. No harsh words came from this conversation. Just another FYI for my family. (In the past FYI's has caused major problems for family) I think they're gettin me more and I them.

2005-02-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

The problem with making assumptions
is that we believe they are truth.
We make an assumption, we take it personally.
Then we react by sending emotional POISON
with our words. This creates a whole big drama for NOTHING.

This was at a friends house, on a big poster she made, I found it quite truthful, so now I carry these words around with me in my wallet.

2005-02-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

At this moment I'm intoxicated on life! The glass is half-full and everything is in front of me. Even at some point it may fall behind, I find my journey very peaceful and wonderful. In all this chaos that surrounds me, I'm in the eye of the storm. Waitng for the walls to hit but not caring because the place were I'm at is beautiful. A vast amount of information is flowing into me, I can't hold all of it, dang, I don't even want all of it. But I'm willing!

2005-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

Yogurt a great substitute for milk and butter, mostly in pasta. I prefer Brown Cow organic yougurt. It's nice to be able to cook for yourself and experiment with recipes.

2005-02-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

When you think it's going away, it comes back in your sleep. Snow, more snow. Fresh powder here I come!

2005-02-09T07:53:00.000-08:00

I love water so much. It's my life force, I think I'm spoiled I've always had great water. I drink so much of it. The feeling when water enters my system, is totally unexplanable but it's the best feeling I ever had. Yeah, the best, i know. You can guess what's second ;). But water hydrates me like no other.

Falling on the ground

2005-02-09T01:22:00.000-08:00

Laughter, laughter, laughter, all I see is colors , my aura is like amber, baby! Dance ,dance, moves those hips, baby! Feel the groove?

saki- nothing important

2005-02-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

Today, I showed up to work 3 hrs late. It was a crazy day also, when I got there we had the inspector snooping around. Nate was busy with tons of customers and I looked like shit. Didn't have a apron and was slightly groggy. My boss has a huge to do list, he got from upper management. Which I and my co-workers will probably have to do instead of him. It funny how much I take advantage of my schedule. Lat night my family and I went out to dinner we had chinese food, it was great, I also got to try saki. The great japanese drink, it really does mess you up. Hence me being late for work( yeah, just an excuse).Well, i had the saki warm, it taste good that way, I like it better than absinthe. I still gave a bitter beer face and a loud argh. My cousin then spit her food across the table on my cousin brendan and my aunt. It was hilarous, I amke them laugh alot. Also quite gross but nothing got into my food, so I was ok with it. Well anyways saki is good but I sure have some trouble drinking hard alcohol. That's coming from well, Hi my name is Ocean and I'm a alcoholic. I haven't drank in 2 months but whatever. When i go work at resort my nickname is Chug. My drinking has become less over the years, turning 21 hasn't been such a spectacular year. Well maybe the first 3 month but then I had to slow way down and rethink. I like we're I'm at with my drinking but I'm afraind when I get home some binging may occur. Most likely especially when I go down to Eugene.
Ok, I very excited I'm going home soon,I have to find a job and a new place to live but shouldn't be hard. I actually have a job but I want to find a better one before my session begins again. I can't decide to stay home this summer and miss another gorgeous portland summer or go and apply at some resorts or camps. It's a hard decision. It will come to me though. Yeah, kinda in a good mood, should be going to sleep since I have to wake up early but chose not to. Next time I won't sleep 4 hrs after work. It really messes with my sleep shedule. Yeah, snow is melting now I can wear my skater shoes without worrying about slipping. I have no traction on my etnies so I slipp all over the place. And hate carrying them while I'm wearing my snow shoes, because who wears snow shoes while working inside? Ok, boring.

I'll remember I have no social security so I must live my life now! No more saving for me. What's with that plan. Oh well, he's a funny man. I never wanted social security anyways. When the E.M.P. bomb goes off how will we access the system? Strange eh?

I finally am realizing I'm worth it! somewhere that came it was directed to my highschool softball coach. Let's kick some ass.

Joey's Deep Place For Thinking

2005-02-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

Joey's Deep Place For Thinking
This is incredible we all know it but he just put into words, which I can't yet. It feels good to read it.

At times, people are often confused about who they truly are... Knowing who you are is something that takes a long process, just like finding out the meaning of life... Everybody sure has their own unique self, but when that happens, the consequence of not be able to find out who you are comes in place... The fact that humans are humans, and our mix of emotions always come in play is just going against having everything clear in life. If you knew everything in life, then what is there to live for? Is life not for you to strive to know more, earn more, and find out more about Yourself ?

You will not know the true meaning of your self, for it is the benefit of humans that god has given us, like I said before, life is just a subject, and who we are is just a chapter in life. The life book is full of things that we get too specific into, just keep it simple, leave everything for it to be, and the meaning of who you identify yourself as will fall in place, trust in God, trust in yourself...

Inspired by Kim V.

Lonely road

2005-02-07T02:04:00.000-08:00

I have so much pent up aggression going on right now. I gotta get out of here. I feel so trapped. My family is great and they do things a lot different than me. Especially spirituality, I more like the energy,chi, the creator, everything that surrounds, has a aura. We are all tied together, in this universe. I'm very open-minded, yes I do judge ,maybe, sometimes to much. I even judge myself maybe I should do that a little more, but dang my relative are quite closed-minded. I don't get how they can be? My little cousins(13,15) have lived over seas all their life. They are not interested in the world, don't care about the environment, and have no clue what the real world is like.

Yeah, I realize they have different interest and grew up totally different but some of this stuff I think all humans should care about.

It has been a a great experience coming over and visiting them. This trip has let me figure out, why I have been running for so long. I've been letting myself settle for inadequate things. That it's ok to be scared of growing up, that my life will be great I just have to put the fire I have, into something useful. I'm totally a pasisve-aggressive person I need to find a outlet, not just find one but take action and get involved more. I'm just venting now. Gosh, I know what i got to do. I've always tried to hold it back by destiny but it's going to happening, it's actually happening now, I just got to let go. It's a lonely road I put myself on, now I'm beginning to open up, letting folks reach my heart. Giving them a piece of me.

Oh what a game!

2005-02-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

Fuck, what a game, it's not over but the Patriots recovered, so it looks like our champions will be The New England Patriots, way to go guys, good work. Good job to both teams, you both played with HEART!

Super Monday! Go Eagles!

2005-02-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is monday here and the Super Bowl is abut to kick off. Justed wanted to say GO EAGLES! And thanks to inventory at work I get this beautifula monday off. YEAH! Have a good Sunday yall back home. Stay Safe!

Loving Donald

2005-02-03T22:12:00.000-08:00

I love Donald Rumsfield, he's quite humorous and really direct. He just makes me laugh all the time. He know's what's going on and I have to admit he's a smart man. With a sadistic kind of laugh. Later on him. I do admire him a lot though.

Mecha

2005-02-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

For those of you uniformed in the world of japanese anime, a mecha is a massive vehicle/robot with a human pilot inside.
A 27 yr old name Carlos Owens, Jr., is building this giant robot. The task of neogentronyx has been to create one of these mecha's for practical uses and application in the real world. The possible uses for such machines include but aren't limited to construction in virtually any environment, underwater, on land,underground and even one day in space.This prototype will fire flames and spikes, but one designed for the military could fire nastier munitions for urban combat.

Well being a anime addict I find this awesome and scary, it's always been my thought that our technology will kill us. But we must push to the edge. It's in our dreams!

What's scarier is that the miltary has a new robotic battle bot called S.W.O.R.D.S. ( Special Weapons Observation Reconaissance Detection Systems) and there's many school research departments out there funded by the DOD,(berkeley is one-BLEEX, later on that) which are about creating exoskeltons and robotic "soldiers." More on this issue later.

Ahh, yeah I'm beggining to get into nanotechnology and it's a area I want to avoid but, I must begin. Hopefully I can stay away from this subject but if i don't many rants will come from me on the nanotechnology subject.

My interesting co-worker

2005-02-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that my new co-worker grew up in Norway, the land I hope to travel. She's not norwegain but philipino and went to live there a t the age of 10. I just find her interesting and HOT. I have no more to say.

A good laugh

2005-02-01T17:07:00.000-08:00

This sent to me from a dear friend enjoy.

Step away from the beer no one wil get hurt!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back....or that you could
crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.........

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my
husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How
much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went
back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew
better.

2. While in line at the bank one
afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if
she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye
and said in a voice just as threatening "if you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The
silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last bit of m y dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

3. Have you ever asked your child a
question too many times? My three-year-old son had a
lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in
awhile, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh, Lord! That child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No", he replied. I just
KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he
jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on
their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd had in ages.

4. This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any.....a true story....
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to
the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
they were laughing so hard!

5. When I was in 8th grade I had to say a speech for
black history month. I chose a poem by Langston Hughes,
in the beginning of the poem it says," I'm a negro, black
as the night is black, black as my depths of africa." Well
say that at the end also. I was real nervouse so I slipped
and said, " I'm a Nigger ..............". I paused for a minute than
I was like I called myself a nigger in front of my whole school.
I started laughing before I i could finish the rest of the sentence.
It was quite embarrassing.

Yeah, my school had like 5 black kids and it was real funny.
I still could face my friends and everybody, I'm pretty laid-back
and thought it was hilarous that word came out my mouth. Ocean

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone
you know who needs a laugh.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because
those who mind don't matter and those who matter
don't mind"

2005-02-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

To the human race may someday we fully understand our gift!

Missing Pdx

2005-01-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

I've been missin my hometown a lot these days. Here's a few things I miss.

The Multnomah county Library- Downtown

My family and friends

View of Mt. hood

Going to Mt. Tabor

Walking around the streets singing to myself

Ole Ole mexican restuarant

The rain

Forest Park

Downtown

Going to the beach- Rockaway

The environment

I believe that I live in one of the best cities in the world. I feel sometimes I will never get away, and most of the time I'm trying but I realized this will always be my home so go explore. I haveve still, never managed to be gone for more than 2 months. This trip to japan has been interesting. I've learned a lot about myself and family. I've began to build the fire again and it feels good. Thanks the person who got me laughing and introduced me to the world again, even If you don't realize it. Thanks. To am mystery woman, who I find incredible smart no matter her opinion. I don't know you well but someday you'll know me.

Please keep our oceans clean and stop cutting our forest, we need them for our survival, since they produce oxygen, and help maintain the micro-ecosystem.

KEEP OREGON GREEN!

of course keep the planet green!

Stolen Question

2005-01-31T05:32:00.000-08:00

Stolen from ominiverse

Q: How Many Bush Administration Officials Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are malicious spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Driving Lessons

2005-01-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, I don't know how to drive. It has come to be that the only way for me to get driving lessons from my aunt is to become a church dweller. I never got my permit renewed, before I came here so that cause some problems also. But she will still take me only if I go to church. AM i willing to take on this challenge? Somewhat, I just want to learn how to drive. I'm willing to partake in godliness.

But, dang!

Makeshift Patriot

2005-01-28T23:43:00.000-08:00

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

It's the Makeshift, The Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself ... via live telecast

Coming live from my own funeral
Beautiful weather off at a nice shine
Which is suitable for a full view of a forever altered skyline
When times like these arise, I freestyle biased opinions every other sentence
Journalist ethics slip when I pass them off as objective
"Don't give me that ethical shit"
I've got exclusive, explicit images to present to impressionable American kids
And it's time to show this world how big our edifice is!

That's exactly what they attacked when a typically dark skinned disney villain...
Used civillians against civilians and charged the trojan horses into our building

Using commercial aviation as instruments of destruction
Pregnant women couldn't protect their children
Wheelchairs were stairway obstructions

Now I have to backpedal
From the shower of glass and metal...
Wondering how after it settles,
We'll find who provided power to radical rebels

The Melting Pot seems to be calling the kettle black when it boils over
But only on our own soil so the little boy holds a toy soldier
And waits for the suit and tie to come home,
We won't wait 'til he's older
before we destroy hopes for a colder war to end...
"Now get a close-up of his head"

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

"How does my hair look"

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

"Run that tape back"

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

"It looks just like a movie"

It's the Makeshift, The Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself ... While the stock markets crash.

The city is covered in inches of muck
I see some other pictures of victims are up
Grieving mothers are thinking their children are stuck
Leaping lovers are making decisions to jump
While holding hands ... To escape the brutal heat
Sometimes in groups of three
The fallout was far beyond the toxic couds where people look like debris.
But all they saw, after all was said...
Beyond the talking heads was the bloody dust with legs, looking like the walking dead calling for meds

But all the hospitals are overwhelmed
Volunteers need to go the hell home
Moments of silence for firefighters were interrupted by cell phones

Who's gonna make that call, to increase an unknown death toll?
It's the one we rally behind.
He's got a megaphone, and he's promising to make heads roll.
So we cheer him on, but asbestos is affecting our breath control
The less that we know, the more they fabricate
The easier it is to sell souls

"There is a new price on freedom,
so buy into it while supplies last.
Changes need to be made...
No more curbside baggage, Seven P.M. curfew
Racial profiling will continue with less bitching.
We beautified over who to kill, so until I find more relevant scripture to quote, remember our god is...
Bigger, Stronger, Smarter, and much wealthier
so wave those flags with pride, especially the white part"

We sell an addictive 24 hour candlelight vigils in TV's
Freedom will be defended at the cost of civil liberties
The viewers are glued to television screens,
STUCK ... because lots of things seem too sick
I use opportunities to pluck heart strings for theme music

I'll show you which culture to pump your fist at
"Yeah"
Which foot is right to kiss
We don't really know who the culprit is yet
"Nah"
But he looks like this
We know who the heros are
They're not the xenophobes who act hard
"We taught that dog to squat
How dare he do that shit in our own backyard"

They happened to scar our finnancial state
And char our landscape
Can you count how many times so far I ran back the same damn tape
While the cameraman creates news and shoves it down our throats on the west bank
With a ten second clip put on constant loop to provoke US angst

So get your tanks,
And load your guns,
And hold your sons in a family huddle
'Cause even if we win this tug of war,
And even the score, humanity struggles
There's a desperate need of blood for what's been uncovered under the rubble
Some of them dug for answers in the mess, but the rest were looking for trouble

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

Makeshift Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself at half-mast

It's the Makeshift, The Patriot
The flag shop is out of stock
I hang myself ... Don't waive your rights with your flags

Sage Francis- Makeshift Patriot

What the fuck can I write about without getting into Politics or Humanities

2005-01-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

Instead of sitting all day in front the computer I decided to do something , something I don't do much and that is go outside. Yes, I went outside, The light started to burn me and my eyes went real squinty, but I made it. It is so cold outside, I made the mistake of wearing just a t-shirt, my new coat from rei, and some khakis, which don't help when you have wind speeds of 35 mph. I'm listening to my mp3 player walking along the sidewalk when I notice a guy just standing there. I wondered what the heck is he doing? Then I thought, shit ,what time is it. The time was 4:30 pm at that time everyday they play our national anthem and the japanese. AT that moment life stops, on the base and if your outside you stand still freezing you ass off. Usually I try to avoid that moment in time.
What got me out the house today other than work, was the gym, the north area gym because hell would have to freeze over if i was going to the main base area. Maybe, the north gym being closed would get me to.
Since I have no S.O.F.A. nor am I a dependent, I'm not supposed to be there. But i felt it was time for me to go. I got on one of those elliticals and ran for 40 min, then went to the bike for a cool down, all while watching Angeline Jolie kick some butt. This inspired me to go everyday, I have nothing else to do. And I seem to have a huge case of, What the fuck can I write about without getting in to politics or humanities..

Ah yes, do to my cousins, who have decided to fail their classes strict actions at home are going to be taken and everyone is affected. All tv's are gone( 4 of them), computers gone except this one. I now have rules to use the computer. Since most of our entertainment is gone we shall begin to: read (family read out-load),board games( no cranium though, sniff), and well I will be going to the gym more. I also may start learning new words, since I only have a 20 word vocabulary. Usually it consist of, "For sure."

2005-01-27T06:54:00.000-08:00

Mr. Bot and his older brother Ben. His name is not Mr. Bot but for some reason, he calls himself that. This is one of my closest friends, well before college. I still see him often but it's not the same. He is my intelluctual conversationalist. I chat about everything with him. Yes, he looks like he's high I think so. It's not the cutest picture I have of him but it works. I spent many days in highschool sneaking out and hanging with him. I spent many nights sneaking in his house while his parents were asleep. Mostly because I couldn't go home being drunk and everything. We were great friends and still are even though we don't see each other much anymore. Everytime we are around each other it doesn't seem like anytime has has gone by. He make's me laugh a great bit, and I him. I just love chatting with him. He was a photography major in highschool and now in college he majors in English. Before i left, I went to see him and some other freinds. It was a surprise, I just showed up at his work. I felt bad though because he was going to spend that night writing a report that was due the day before. There goes his grade! Well , anyways, we spent the night at a bar somewhere in eugene. It was open mic and some of my other friends tend to take over that bar just so they can jamm out . I just want to say, Thanx Mr. Bot for always tickling me and making me laugh. I hope u find the right person someday.(21 virgin) His choice, I am proud. But please take care of yourself living that fast pace college lifestyle. I miss our conversations about nothing and everything.

Nonsense

2005-01-27T02:08:00.000-08:00

Once i could write about anything. My mind was once on fire, i had a opinion, it has been long lost. I'm returning everyday building the fire again. The world is in dis-order and may always be a chaotic state. I mean isn't that human nature? If we all could have peace and love, that would be great. It seems there's always the exceptions and people would bore and become amused with death and destruction. I mean, I'm amused, Somehow it just makes life exciting. You must have balance of course, yin/yang not letting one side spill over thy other. Can we find this? I was always told to be a seeker never be contempt with just a answer. Learn all aspects of the Question.

Here's some Quotes: Random

"What can we know? What are we all? Poor silly half-brained things peering out at the infinite, with the aspirations of angels and the instincts of beasts. " Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing. " William Butler Yeats

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Hamlet, Prince of Denmark- William Shakespeare

"Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me. " Zora Neale Hurston

"Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering ... "
Fyodor Dostoevsky

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." Zora Neale Hurston

To the duh!~ Make love not war, until

2005-01-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

It's nice to make love, especially when your in love, but didn't baby boomer generation just cause more problems by adding to our population, spreading of std's and well, single parents. I mean come on. Half of you didn't even know who you fucked. Argh! Yeah it really sounded like a dreamy life: being strung-out, living filthy life, fight a revolution,( which wasn't important enough pass to your kids) and mass producing in your later years. The destuction of our planet. . Imao
Oh yes, I could add more but I chose not to, make it short and simple.

Shouldn't I be at work, I'm so late!

Don't tell anyone

2005-01-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

Well let's see I come to realize that I now have no interest in anything,other than myself and someone else. I rarely talk to family and friends back home. Ii have nothing to talk about and they couldn't be doing anything different than working. I have one of the most relaxed jobs, I may ever have but I'm so tired of doing my bosses work. I've had that happen to me atleast 3 times in my career as a slacker, who only wants to play outside and read aloud. To all the customers. I am little loopy this morning, I wish the bus was running so I could go to the gym. I don't know how to drive. And am tired of being stuck on this base. I'm tired of them talking about Condoleeza Rice. Let her be! So she lied I thought all people in Politics lied? She's one hell of smart woman. A Stanford grad and child prodigy. I am not much for the Bush administration but I love when Donald Rumsfield does briefing, I admire him in a secret way( Don't tell anyone). Go Cardinals! Yes, Stanford my favorite school ever!

My friends are quite liberal, they hated when I said I probably would vote for Bush. They're still my friends :) But why would I vote for kerry, what reason did he give me to vote. I would have voted for well, Howard Dean or Kucinoch, but they wouldn't be great commanders. Imao. But it turns out I didn't vote, My ballot well never sent to me. I suppose maybe I could have got another but I really didn't want to get a ballot and decide who I would vote for. I not a bush supporter or a hater. I do like making fun of him and his administration but I would make fun of any administration. Plus i was never in town, see I worked at this camp called Camp Namanu. It's a camp that's rented for outdoor school like a science camp or something. I was a cook, but anyways. I would live there for the week, come back fridays and go back sundays. I did this for like 7 weeks until the end of the session. Remember I don't drive.Well during that time the election was going on. And since we have mail in ballots, I really didn't want to spend my 36 hrs of off time, looking how to get my ballot so I decided not to vote. Yeah, I know I didn't vote. I figured Bush would win anyways and I didn't really want to fill the bubble in for Bush. I guess maybe if Kerry won I would have been tragically sad and protested me a balck woman didn't get my ballot. sniff sniff! Well bush is prez now. I do feel he is a better commander chief than Kerry would ever be. Yes, I am a Oregonian. Not a Hippie! Even though I do associate with some. I associated with many people, I don't really like to catorgize them though.

I lost, really having a opinion a long time ago, I suppose it started when I started smoking pot. WHich was when I was 15, yeah 15, what was I thinking? Marijuana was a curiosity one I knew if I tried that it would be something I would do for awhile. I studied drugs when i was in middle school, don't ask me why, it was something I came across in the library. A book about 'drugs'. Well, anyways I looked down at people who used drugs, I thought it was silly. At that time I wanted to be in law enforcement or join the secret service(they recruit) or F.E.M.A. So all that stuff was illegal and I was like those bastard who do illegal stuff.

Well somewhere between my father getting a divorce, moving to a different area and going to highschool. My thoughts of the world changed,( poor me, sniff sniff) Lol. So no more smart kid, I became the rebel kid! And there stalled my dreams. But hey, it's made me 'today.' I defeintely still want to join F.E.M.A.( Homeland Security now). I probably will someday. The force is strong. To tell you now, you don't really need to do drugs, or sell your soul to the devil to fit in. (My soul wasn't sold) I knew if I tried any drugs it would be a problem and I decided I would have to deal with that.- Dude, athletes don't do stuff that messes with lungs. Softball rules! Like I've dreamed so much about my life, I always have Deja Vu. It's so weird! Well anyways my life is great even when it sucks, oxy-----. I'm glad I smoked pot even though I went off track a little, I have had some great conversations. I'm not a writer but superb conversationalist. One of my best strengths. Don't tell anyone but I like to be contradicting sometimes. It's fun. I know what I'm passionate about, it's just hard to explain in writing for me. Well since i have to be at work in 3 hrs I suppose i should get some sleep. Don't tell anyone but I'm wandering a little. I am still learning more about myself. And don't do drugs, don't waste you happiness! Yeah, you'll never be as happy as you once were. The dopamine levels go down and down.

"Let the wise guard their thoughts, which are difficult to perceive, extremely subtle, and wander at will. Thought which is well guarded is the bearer of happiness." Buddha

"Things said or done long years ago,
Or things I did not do or say
But thought that I might say or do,
Weigh me down, and not a day
But something is recalled,
My conscience or my vanity appalled."
William Butler Yeats

This post comes from a gifted, creepy( yes creepy),passive-aggressive person who hasn't seemed to let it click in, she will someday be great. Make the right decisions though. Keep a Smile on your face! They love my smile.

Selling of cheese.

2005-01-26T05:43:00.000-08:00

My mind races all day and once I get home and settle, it stops. Today was a great day at work. I found out today that we had a trainee and that I would be the trainer. It's kinda of funny because I've only been working at the deli for a month now. In that month i have worked all the shifts: morning,mid and closing. My boss never comes in except to do schedules and tell me the things I need to get done, which are his duties. So now I'm in charge of checking meat and cheese times and whatever the hell else, we have to put out in our area. Let's see the trainee today was pretty cool. Other than the fact a few people new her and most of them were guys who said," Are you working tonight?" I hear that alot because my to other evening counterparts, work the same job at a different institution. Hmm, I wonder what there secret other job is?

Ok, well my favorite cheese is Tillamook cheddar cheese. It come from my humble homestate of Oregon. What a suprise it was to find out that i can go to a foreign country and find my favorite cheese. (There's also one small fact which is I live on a military base, and well you know, there tends to be a little more american products.) I sell the hell out of that cheddar cheese! It's actually like real and not so fake like american white or yellow cheese. Well, sometime I'm quite cheesy! So hope you enjoyed.

Throwing wrenches in the gears

2005-01-25T18:17:00.000-08:00

I find this blog to be amazing and interesting. It talks about all apects of my interest. I find it astonishing that we can use so much energy and resources. What, we're like maybe 20% of the world's population and we use like half of the world's resources. It gives great points in which I haven't been able to do in awhile. Check it out! Sketchcase

I'm not a Bush supporter or hater, some of his comments aren't all of my views or beliefs.

Oh , I hate Napoleon Dynamite but it makes me laugh so much. Here's a few Quotes

2005-01-24T05:56:00.000-08:00

Like i really don't like this movie, It has such a weak plot and the only reason it turned-out semi good is because the way Napoleon talks and dresses. And the film is set in Idaho. Which is hilarious in itself. I really don't like it though. Here's some quotes. This movie is sad.

"Is that low-fat milk you're drinking? Are u drinking that because you think you're fat? Because you're not. You could be drinking whole milk if u really wanted to." Napoleon

Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?

Napoleon : Whatever I feel like I wanna do, Gosh!

Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?

Napoleon : I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!

Don: Did you shoot any?

Napoleon : Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?

Don: What kind of gun did you use?

Napoleon : A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?

Ghost in the Shell, a word on souls

2005-01-24T02:46:00.000-08:00

What is a human soul, they say a soul is supposed to be a consciousness, a personality gathered together as a core in a system called "Human". Most religions believe ,approve that the presence of the soul is divine and that it is carried in you from your birth or from conception. But what if a human was first, born with a empty shells. Born to mimic: eat, sleep, walk, talk,and act just like humans. It can't be human right? That, for it to become human it needs a conscious, soul or a ghost. So how would it do that?

When I say Ghost, i mean, soul or consciousness.

The movie
Is set in the future, were the world is dominated by advanced computers and cyberoptic technology. Which then forth creates a vast breeding ground for criminals. Where heightened humas live in a virtual environment. ( Heightened humans: The accessing from a brain, through a human or cyberoptic body, who still has part of a human brain). Can be connected to the net.
It talks about life's basic question? What it means to be human, and what "life" is. It talks about the concept of "soul". Right and wrong and and the fusion of science and religion. This movie is deeper than you would think. And I can't explain all the philosphical notations, in the movie. If anybody hasnt't seen Ghost in the Shell . Well go see it. Check it out!

Are we all born with souls? How do you know? I'll write another post on more ideas and theories about this, not talking about the movie.

My first

2005-01-23T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well, hmm, I'm sitting here cotemplating what i should write. This is my first blog. I feel nothin at the moment I used to think about my best friend all day everyday, but not anymore. So what happened well I dont know ,but it's been a long strange friendship. Especially in the last 2 years, nothing is going on between us. Just akward behavior,slight jealousy and even temptation. We're so growing apart.It just happens, that's life right? But I've become so frustrated.

What a year it's been, turned 21, was a drunk apr-jun . Well only on the weekends, not to much . I tend to not like being around kids in a alterd state(hangover). But what a life, live in the woods, be a cook and be around kids, attend camp fire and be goofy.Free room and board, never in the city. What a life. Especially catching fresh salmon, on the Sandy river. Mmmmm. My favorite fish!

Then chapter 2 of 2004

My great adventure in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. A superb place,well the park, not the tourist, but jackson the city was cool, Especially going back there when ur 21. Working at the resort sucked sometime 'cause everything closes early. But my co-worker were awesome, had great converstion with people from so many backgrounds.A good place to study social interactions. I love the Tetons! And Snake river breweries, There special drink The Discombobulator taste so good but they only sell it for 2 months. That sucks. It was cool though.

Let's see i live on a lake which was frezzing cold most of the time, but kayaking and stuff was free for the staff. I saw a cub which was awesome, like the only animal i didn't see the summer before. But this cub was real close to me i wasn't to scared, probably should of been. I wish I had a camera.the reason i wasn't to scared was, i could walk to my dorm and be safe. I'd say when i was 10 ft from a moose and it's calf i was freaked out, that was the summer before though. A long story and great traveling.

The only places I've ever been in my life has been Great Wyoming and Montana(GlacierPark), and a few other non-importants(all important, don't wanna list) . I then fell in love with Missoula,Montana. A place i would love to live for schooling purposes, they have a great Geography department, not to bad at all. Well most of ya don't know i wanna be a Geographer or a Kinseologist.

Around August i came back and worked at Camp Namanu again, not going to say much the fall session was great but my new boss. Was real lazy and i did everything. So they got paid more while i did ther job. Well now i have more experince so good for me. I skipped a lot but let's just say Highlights. ANd now snowy, crazy , Northern Japan. Probably the safest place I've been well other than the forest. It's do to fact I live on a Air Force Base. Which i like but can't go anywhere because i have no S.O.F.A. But i sure can work. I'm boring, maybe my next post could be more exciting. An maybe talk about something meaningful in the world. Or some crazy idea I have. My writing is terrible i need to learn how to express myself better. Sorry for my lacking, I should be mad at myself about it though.

A bore

2005-01-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

It's so cold here, I've never in snow but it's cool. Except we get wind warnig like everyday and wind and snow sucks hard core. I love good thing i got snow boots, we have like 2 ft. of snow and more comes down everyday. Sometime it melts in the day,but when u awake the next like 6 more inches is on the ground. I take fresh poweder anyday than having ice on the ground. WEll gotta go wo work. Ahh yes, here's a important question. Should i visit South korea or the Philipine? I need to go out of the coutry so i can get a new visa. Korea is the closest but gee, the Philipines come on now. Just comment. I can't decide for myselve

Hail to the Hippie May Someday You Be Hip!!!

2005-01-23T10:19:00.000-08:00

"I smoke two joints in the morning
I smoke two joint at night
I smoke two joint in the afternoon
It makes me feel all right
I smoke two joints in time of peace
And two in time of war
I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints,
And then I smoke two more "

Song by Bradley from Sublime